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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24580855">Desiderium</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ronnie_Jane/pseuds/Ronnie_Jane'>Ronnie_Jane</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batwoman (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Family, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Sisters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:14:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,550</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24580855</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ronnie_Jane/pseuds/Ronnie_Jane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set between the episodes 1x17 “A Narrow Escape” and 1 x18 If You Believe In Me I’ll Believe In You.”<br/>“With everything that has happened to you -how do you manage to stay strong all the time?”<br/>“I don’t, Mary. There are days I break just like everyone else.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mary Hamilton &amp; Kate Kane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Desiderium</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: I do not own anything.<br/>A/N: Some quotes may be from the DC Universe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the evening after the bombs had exploded in Gotham and Mary had revealed that she knew her secret identity when Kate sat at her desk with her hands on her knees trying to catch her breath in an attempt to fend off another panic attack. She had made sure that Luke was arguing with Mary in another room before sneaking back into her office.<br/>
After a few minutes she was able to get her breathing under control only to hear the elevator returning to the main floor. Before she could leave, Luke and Mary appeared. They both looked surprised at seeing her, but then again, she had told them that she was leaving for the night. Upon noticing her position, Luke asked, “Kate, are you okay? I thought you’d left.”<br/>
“I’m fine. I just remembered that I had some things to catch up on,” she quickly replied while straightening up and motioning to her open laptop that was perched on the desk in front of her.<br/>
For his part, Luke didn’t seem convinced, however, he knew Kate well enough to know when to let the matter drop. Instead as he was leaving, he said, “I’ll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight.”<br/>
They bid him a goodnight and Kate turned towards her stepsister,” Are you going back to what’s left of your clinic?”<br/>
Mary signed, took a seat in one of the chairs in front of Kate's desk and said, “I’m not sure. It’s either there or the Penthouse. I’ve tried to avoid the Penthouse since-,” she trailed off. Taking a breath, she continued, “I’ve been looking for my own place, but I haven’t found anywhere yet. “<br/>
Kate had figured as much. She remembered how hard it was to be in place that held both memories of her mom and Beth. With that in mind and the fact the clinic was in disarray due to the events earlier that day she said, “You could stay with me.”<br/>
Mary looked shocked, but hesitantly asked, “Are you sure?”<br/>
She nodded at Mary and added, “Let’s get out of here.” Kate closed her laptop and grabbed a helmet from behind her desk, before motioning for Mary to follow her. They then proceeded to make their way outside to Kate’s bike where she passed Mary the helmet. Next, she grabbed the helmet she kept on her bike, put it on and climbed on. Mary got the hint and followed her and once she was settled, Kate began the drive towards her apartment.<br/>
Fifteen minutes later, they arrived and headed inside. Looking around, Kate remembered that she had only gotten some of her mess cleaned up earlier and sheepishly said, “Sorry about the mess.”<br/>
“It’s fine. Thanks for letting me stay.”<br/>
“No problem. If the couch is okay, I’ll get you a pillow and some blankets.”<br/>
Mary nodded and she went to gather everything. Upon returning, she placed everything on her black leather couch and added, “There’s stuff in the fridge if you want it. If it’s all right, I’m going to head to bed.”<br/>
Throughout the day, she had noticed how off Kate had acted and replied, “Kate, are you sure you’re all right? You seem kind of pale and I noticed earlier that you were having trouble breathing.”<br/>
“I’m okay. If you need me, you know where I am. See you in the morning,” she replied and then headed towards her bedroom.<br/>
“Goodnight,” Mary said tiredly and then proceeded to start getting her pillows and blanket settled on the couch. While she was working on that, she noticed that Kate had left her a pair of grey pajama shorts and a purple pajama top for the night. Laying them to the side, she finished setting up the couch and then went to change in the bathroom. When she had returned, she got settled and tried to get some sleep.</p>
<hr/><p>Hours later, Kate was awoken by a loud thump and thought Mary had gotten up and tripped on something. She was about to try and go back to sleep when a loud scream broke the silence in the apartment. Sitting up, she quickly put her feet on the floor and pushed herself up before rushing to where her stepsister was. When she arrived, she saw Mary on the floor twisted in her blanket and heard her mumbling. Then the mumbling turned into screaming, “No! Mom! Stay with me!”<br/>
Kate went to her stepsister side, knelt down on the floor and placed her hand on Mary's shoulder before trying to wake her. Soon wide brown eyes met hers and Mary took a few breaths, then spoke in a shaky voice, “Kate? Oh God- I didn’t mean to wake you. What did I say?”<br/>
“You were calling out for your mother to stay with you,” she replied while standing and offering her hand to Mary who took it after extracting herself from the blanket. They both took a seat on the couch and Kate waited for her to speak; but Mary only sank further back in the corner of the couch, pulled her knees up to her chest and tried to fight back tears. Eventually, she choked out, “I’m sorry.”<br/>
“It’s all right,” Kate replied.<br/>
Mary shook her head, “This is all my fault.”<br/>
Kate took a breath, looked directly at her and countered, “No, it’s not. It’s Alice’s.”<br/>
“But it is. I couldn’t save her. I tried CPR- I tried. Why- why couldn’t I save her? Why didn’t I just make her drink the cure?” she finished and hastily tried to wipe away the tears from her eyes.<br/>
They sat there for a few minutes, until Kate said, “Mary, look at me.” Once she had, Kate continued, “It wasn’t your fault. Alice set things in motion to where only one of you would survive. Alice made your mother choose and she chose to save you because you meant more to her then her own life. I know you don’t believe me… I didn’t believe my dad when he said what happened to Beth- Alice wasn’t my fault.”<br/>
Mary looked away and said in a voice that was no louder than a whisper, “I miss her. I want my mom, Kate. I know you weren’t fond of her, but I miss her.” Taking a breath, she continued, “One of the last things I did with her was fight about what she’d done and that I might lose you as a sister. She told me and Alice why she did what she did- she wanted to take away your pain. Then once Alice left, she told me that she had wanted to see me work in my clinic. Now, I’ll never get apologize or let her see me work in my clinic.”<br/>
When she had finished, Kate replied, “I wasn’t fond of her and I’m still upset with what she did, but no one deserves what happened to her.” Then after a beat she added, “Your mom would have forgiven you and you’re not going to lose me.”<br/>
Mary then turner her head towards Kate and asked, “Does it ever stop hurting? How do you survive the guilt?”<br/>
For her part, Kate sat in thought for a minute before saying, “Not completely, but it’ll get better with time. The missed milestones, wanting to talk to her so badly you go to seek her out- only for it to dawn on you that she’s not there are the hardest. It won’t be easy, but I’ll always be here if you need me.”<br/>
“Thanks,” Mary bit her lip and waited. Kate looked at her hands, steeled herself and then looked at her stepsister directly before answering the other question, “You’ll eventually learn that there’s nothing more you could have done. You’ll know it in your head, but knowing it in your heart is different. Sometime the guilt will be there as strong as the first time you felt it and sometimes it’ll be dull.”<br/>
A period of quite followed, before Mary spoke again, “How do you get through it- with what happened to you?” Kate looked surprised, so she hastily added,” You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”<br/>
She shook her head and said, “I survived by not giving up hope that Beth was still alive. When it happened, I slept or rather, I tried to in our living room clutching the phone praying she would call. I made a map of all the places she could be and even when my dad said she was gone I couldn’t believe it. During that time, I didn’t eat or go to school. Since then, I haven’t ever slept through the night and I have panic attacks.”<br/>
“Is that why you seemed out of breath at the clinic earlier and looked so pale in your office?” Mary asked with worry clouding her voice.<br/>
“Yeah. Over the years, I’ve learned how to manage them,” she added after catching her stepsisters’ tone. She continued, “Most days, I exercise or I write in a journal. You take it like everything else- a day at a time.”<br/>
Mary nodded, raised her hand to her mouth to cover a yawn and then spoke,” Maybe that’s what I should do with my clinic. Mom wouldn’t have wanted me to give up on it.”<br/>
“You shouldn’t give up on it. You do good work and care about the people that come through your door and it seems to make you happy when you help them. One day, you’ll make an excellent Doctor.”<br/>
She seemed surprised at hearing that, but eventually managed to reply, “Thank you. Not only for letting me stay, but for being here. You know I’m here for you, too right?”<br/>
“I know. Do you want to try and get some more sleep?” Kate asked, after noticing her trying to stifle a yawn.<br/>
“I think so. I’m just afraid of the nightmares.”<br/>
Kate looked thoughtful for a minute and remembered a time when she had said much the same thing to her stepsister.<br/>
<br/>
<em>It was late at night and they had all just moved in together. She had woken up gasping for breath with a scream on her lips and frightened green eyes. Getting up, she decided to go check on Mary and upon entering her stepsisters’ room saw that she was awake. Once Mary noticed her, she asked, “What’s wrong?”<br/>
“I just can’t sleep. I’m afraid the nightmares will come back.”<br/>
“What was it about?”<br/>
She shook her head and Mary had gotten the hint. They had stayed quiet for a minute, before Mary had thrown back the covers and motioned for her to get in. For some reason, she had decided to give into the offer and had climbed in on the right side. Mary then pulled the covers back over them and they laid there trying to sleep. It was at that time; she had gotten the message- that Mary would always be their if she needed her.</em><br/>
<br/>
Kate stood up and motioned for Mary to follow her. Hearing footsteps behind her, she knew Mary had gotten the hint and upon their arrival, Kate turned to see her looking puzzled and said, “Get in. We’ll share tonight. That way if you have a nightmare, I’ll be here to wake you up.”<br/>
For her part, Mary looked hesitant and said, “I don’t want to bother you.”<br/>
“You won’t. Besides you were there for me a long time ago.”<br/>
“You remembered?”<br/>
“Yep. You were always there, even if it was in the middle of the night.”<br/>
After hearing that, she slowly climbed in on the left side while Kate climbed in on the right. A few minutes later, they were both asleep.</p>
<hr/><p>The next morning, Kate was the first one up and decided to go make some coffee and wait for Mary. After she had gotten her drink, she returned to the living room, sat on the sofa and placed her black mug on the white coaster that was sitting on the dark brown coffee table. To pass the time, she grabbed her phone from the table and checked to see if there were any missed messages from Luke. As it turns out, there was nothing that she needed to take care.<br/>
Sighing she placed her phone back on the coffee table and waited. At around nine, she heard stirring from her bedroom, then Mary emerged and greeted her, “Good morning.”<br/>
“Morning. There’s coffee in the kitchen if you want.”<br/>
“Thanks.” She went to the kitchen and appeared with a steaming cup of coffee and placed her coffee on coaster on the table, took a seat on the couch. They sat in companionable silence for a while before Kate asked, “You okay?”<br/>
In response, Mary leaned down, grabbed her coffee and took a sip before saying, “I wish I could stop dreaming about it.”<br/>
Kate looked at her and replied, “I could tell you it completely goes away, but it doesn’t. I still have dreams and flashbacks of the crash.”<br/>
Mary looked thoughtful and seemed to be trying to gather the nerve for what she was going to say next. Finally, she asked, “With everything that has happened to you -how do you manage to stay strong all the time?”<br/>
“I don’t, Mary. There are days I break just like everyone else.”<br/>
“But even then, you always seem to have everything together,” she said in disbelief.<br/>
Green eyes then met brown and she replied, “Trust me, I don’t. I just keep telling myself what I told a friend of mine and what I learned long ago after the crash- you find a way to not break.”<br/>
“By taking things a day at a time?”<br/>
Kate nodded, leaned down and grabbed her coffee and asked, “So what are your plans for the day?”<br/>
“I think I’m going to try and start cleaning up what’s left of my clinic. What about you?”<br/>
“I probably need to check in with Luke.”<br/>
They sat there enjoying each other’s company and finishing their coffee. After they were done and had cleaned up their mess, Kate went to her room and came back with a black T-shirt and a pair of jeans and handed them to her while saying, “ I know we’re the same T-shirt size since you borrowed my Balenciaga tee earlier, but the jeans may be a little long on you since I’m taller.”<br/>
“Thanks. I think they’ll be all right; I was wearing those boots yesterday and they have a slight heel.”<br/>
She nodded and then went back to her room and Mary went into the bathroom to change. Once they had gotten ready for the day, they met again in the living room and Kate asked her, ”Do you want me to drop you off at your clinic before I go to meet Luke?”<br/>
“No, it’s not far from here. I guess I’ll see you later.” Mary turned to go when Kate said, “If you feel like you can’t be at the Penthouse, you’re welcome here anytime.”<br/>
“Thank you for everything.”<br/>
“You’re welcome. It’s what sisters do.”<br/>
Sharing a smile, they left the apartment and went to where they were needed. One to inspire hope in a city that was lost and the other to straighten up things and help people at her clinic.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the story!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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